Anger, Intimacy and Tango

A woman asked me about my book Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure and if I had truly overcome my fear of intimacy. In my response I found myself explaining that the definition of intimacy is different for men and women. Reaching for a better explanation I thought about a time when I tried to be intimate in a relationship. I tried and tried but nothing worked until I finally I got mad and lashed out at her….voila!

This woman had a desire for me to be intimate. I don’t think she knew what that meant but, what I said in anger immediately satisfied her need for intimacy.

People are so complex. 

I have to wonder if this volatile formula isn’t a part of tango’s success.

Men are argumentative by nature. We deplore being alone. That may seem odd unless you consider that Nature is often a man’s only companion and he is usually busy battling against it, sailing the seas, trying to defy gravity. In doing so, he learns that he must move in harmony with Her or risk destruction.

Imagine for a moment that women and Nature are one and the same. A man sticks with tango because he refuses to let it get the best of him. He will not quit. The man in your embrace is trying to outlast you, the music and Nature. He will either fail or succeed. It is this dynamic that women find addicting.

I suspect that women are Nature because they listen to reason. Overhearing a conversation between two ladies, I am surprised at the lack of animosity between them. This does not happen when men talk. From what I hear, I am certain an argument must ensue but none does. One of the women comes to understand the logic of her companion and that is the end of the discussion.

I am not saying women are perfect; they are far from it. So are men. I am not saying that men should act on their anger, only that it is a natural reaction. What I am trying to do is explain the confusing and maddening subtleties of intimacy and how tango brings this out in the dance in such a way that we feel compelled to continue our quest for perfection.

The way I see it is that men and women are like tops spinning. If left alone, we will wobble and fall down. Together, however, with the music playing and both of us trying to attain synchronicity with the other and the music, we achieve a change of state, like ice melting or water boiling, like photosynthesis or a nuclear chain reaction; together we realize our natural abilities.

The two wobbling tops come together and their rotation increases instead of slowing. All of the man’s anger is there but it is neutralized by the woman in his arms. He is at peace and she is satisfied that she is getting what she needs. Something grows, the music ends and the couple parts. This is tango.